To all the ladies we still love dearly and bear feelings for, whom we could never share our lives with.

After a 8 month time period, i have taken time off dedicated to self reflection, widen the horizons of my mind and personal experiences, i was inspired to write again once more:

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It is inevitable. For some men. At some point in time in their lives.

For the most part, it hits us hard at where we are most vulnerable. It is a "trap" that disrupts our lives and forces us to become better or worse as men. Now, what would that "trap" be ?

Having to bear or grow genuine/lustful feelings for a lady who is already in a relationship, engagement, marriage with another man.

When we realize this, and could not deny anymore our true feelings, our mind goes haywire more often than not.

We give ourselves to the benefit of the doubt, we begin to disbelieve what we know, we start to straighten ourselves up as men, suddenly be at our very best, or scramble to put a stop to the emotional chaos and set things in order, maybe even seek closure in one way or another. Depending on our unique situations involving us and our seemingly impossible love interest , we do what we often feel would bring us closer to her. It is like a drug, and the withdrawal symptoms for us are so severe, sometimes unknowingly to us it we become critically dependent on it, we often do not break the habit. For some men, it is their undoing. For some men, they grow stronger out of it.

We really try to do the best we can, when we are put to the test. But that doesn't mean we would necessarily do the things that would truly be for the best. The thing is that we often allow selfishness to slip into our efforts, give up and allow the issue to fester within ourselves until it will implode, or ignore our true feelings and pretended that it never happened.

Why do we do this ?

It's all about you really, you're the reason. We wouldn't know how you would react, especially when you already are with another man. It is like being given Pandora's Box and opening it would mean literally, to confess our feelings to you. As much as we try to decipher and predict how you would react by observing you and ourselves, and giving thought to the already depressing episode that surrounds us, we are still fearful of the possible collateral effects and damage that we bring to the both parties. I believe that, you could imagine this whole possible outcome yourself.

However, I, as a man myself, could do so much on my part, to acquit myself the most ideal way any man could.

Because, really, seriously, it takes two hands to clap. Your hand. With mine. Together.

I need you to understand that while you're with another man, possibly for the rest of your life, i do perhaps feel more or less the same way towards you, just as the man in your life right now. We may never be together, but it would mean the world to me if you remember me for who i am and the feelings i bear for you. I very much wish, with the deepest heartfelt desire i have right now, for you to use this memory of me, to help you grow inside. To help you be a much more wiser, stronger woman who has yet to encounter many things in life, to be resilient when the going gets tough and to be delicate when tenderness is required. That is all i ask. And i will do the same, in my beloved memory.

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Author's Note: Olivia, I may never have you by my side, but i have firmly decided that all these words i've written above, are of the very best of myself and true to my beliefs. You may never see what i have written here, i wish you did, but you have no idea how much you've done for me. You brought out the very best of myself, i wish i can do the same, but i don't know how. So God help me, while i wait, growing the virtue of patience which i should have grown a long time ago. Even if it is never meant to be, you will always have my blessings and my unselfish love, now and forever.
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bridging

When a woman, presents herself in a specific time, place and situation, in the presence of a man or several men, there's bound to be masculine reaction.

We could get unemotionally cold, totally uninterested, hopelessly neutral, hopelessly head over heels......... the list goes on.

We can't help ourselves noticing when a lady steps into our sights, we're visual creatures after all.

But most of us knowing the way women are, we more or less know they are creatures of communication, almost all types of communication. Whether they have caught the gaze of a man looking at her for a while, or casually talking with a friend, or dealing with work professionally with her colleagues, they intercept and translate such indirect or direct "messages" and access the people, the environment around them. (much later as i blog, i would address the way we see or assume what or how women think and what we think about it.)

That's where the bridge to enter into your life comes in. Communication. Communicating with you. Giving an account of ourselves, for who we are (and in some cases, to woo you to be our girl.). For the most part, women are more receptive to words. It is direct, very hard to deny, and we don't deny that most romantic relationships start out on just talking.

What else can we do if we can't talk ? If we can't talk, we mostly be at our best and carry ourselves the best way we could. If we can't do that, we look for alternatives, any alternatives to make you notice us. If you don't notice us doing that................ well, we did try.....

For some or most situations, we could not find a common topic to just casually talk to you about, just to know you better. To just build on a simple casual healthy friendly relationship, where words can easily be exchanged with a measure of mutual happiness. It is a mental challenge for some (most) men who want to "build a bridge".

But ultimately, whether we like it or not, we have to sweat it out, die to ourselves, pour in our heart and soul, just to build that bridge. To seize the chance. We admit sometimes we give up hopelessly, never knowing what it'll be like to know you through and through, admiring for who you really are.

This is just one of the stumbling blocks that we face, that often work against us. However that is the least of our worries, as there are much more darker powers at hand.......undermining what we often choose to do, and make us fall from your good books.

bottled and sealed

Men don't usually get caught up in emotional affairs. But chances are, that usually most men are willing to get emotional at times involving the following:

• Watching/Playing Competitive Sports
• Sexual (Non-Sexual) Attraction towards a Girl/Lady/Woman.
  
• Nursing a Crush on a Girl/Lady/Woman !
  
• Romantic Relationships
  
• Passions In Life (Hobbies, Voluntary Labors of Love)
• Their Personal Pride and their Place, Role in the World/Society
  
• Being Violated Of Their Personal Privacy/Pride

And the list goes on.

Most (or a modest number of) men, when dealing with their crushes, bottle up their feelings.
Most of us feel that bottling our emotions felt for our crush is fine. So as long as the bottle doesn't explode.

Most of us know, well enough, that most women are more emotional than us, sensitive to what we say and do. That they would remember the words we say to them, from time to time, when they recollect or think of someone in particular.

We prefer that we do not speak what we truly feel inside of us......about you....... for the time being. Most (Some ?) of us know not the boundaries of what should be spoken and what shouldn't. So to play safe, we keep quiet (for the most part, or just stay casual or platonic). Some men would want to protect you from needless anxiety and wild running thoughts that would make a mess out of your head. (Or we just can't make their mind up to say what they really want to.)

Unfortunately, before we know it, the "bottle" begins to crack. Or the emotions inside of us, bends the "bottle" in painful shapes. Or the "bottle" manifests itself to become something hideous. All because we bottle it all up. How could no one ever run away from horrid sights such as this ?

We know that women have the advantage of being able to speak out their feelings more openly, to their friends, trusted company, they easily let it out, reducing this certain burden. At times, we envy them for this.

What are the things that plague/haunt us to bottle it all up ? Tune in to find out more......... about our inner turmoil, deep down inside of us in the next blog entry.